My antipsychotic withdrawal is not going well.

It doesn’t help that I did some research and read a study finding the best way to taper off this medication was to reduce the dosage by 10% every two weeks. Which is not exactly what my doctor instructed me to do. Not at all, infact. She said I could take half a pill for five days and then stop.

Considering the pill in question rewired my brain, now my brain is waking up saying, “WTF?? We had a thing going here and now it’s gone. Welp… time to freak out!”

I had to take the last two days off of work due to the worst vagal surges I’ve ever had, constant heart palpitations, insomnia, anxiety, and that feeling like I am Giles Corey being pressed to death, only I am definitely not saying, “More weight.”

According to my research, the worst of the symptoms will be over in 4-6 weeks. This is far from comforting as I am currently two and a half weeks in and I am ready to give up. Also according to my research, the following methods can used to help ease the symptoms:

• An antihistamine medication or Propranolol. Unfortunately, I have been on both of these medications and they have sedated me to the point where I would also be unable to work.
• Mammalian Dive Reflex. This is a great option. If only it worked for more than 10-30 minutes.
• Exercise. I feel like utter shit. I refuse to exercise. Even if it temporarily calms the fight or flight, I am too dizzy and exhausted to attempt it.
• Resume taking the medication. There is no way in hell I am doing this. I’ve already gotten this far, I can’t go back to square one.
• Contact my psychiatrist and/or my GP to ask them what to do. I have an appointment with my psych on Monday, so unless I get an appointment tomorrow, I can’t see her any earlier. Not to mention her schedule books out weeks in advance. I would ask my GP, but in light of a lack of medications options right now, it seems pointless to drag her into this.
• Just get to tomorrow and hope for the best. I hate this option so much.

Right now, I have been putting off annoying admin things I need to do in my everyday life just to survive. I haven’t been to the grocery store this week, I haven’t followed my weekly meal plan at all, I need to call my bank, I need to get another quote on cleaning out the fan blower in the AC unit. But am I doing any of this? Nope.

I will lie on the couch under a blanket and wait for death, thanks. I have actually experienced medication withdrawal before. One time I had to go cold turkey off two psych meds because of an insurance snafu they refused to resolve for months. Even so, I have never experienced withdrawal symptoms like this.

Beyond the fact that I am back in fight or flight and experiencing vagus nerve dysfunction… again, I really wish my psychiatrist would have warned me that withdrawal symptoms like this were possible. Because sure, I understand everyone is different and there’s no way to tell for sure how someone will react to having the chemical propping up their brain suddenly removed. I understand the shit out of this.

However, I also feel like, if there was a chance that this could happen, and according to my research, this chance is pretty significant, you should just give a bitch a warning.

I really hope in a few weeks, I am looking back at this blog thinking, “Wow, that was a terrible time. Good thing it’s over!” Because one of the things I dislike most about chronic illness is that you literally don’t know who you will be when you wake up because everything is so unpredictable. You lose so much time just feeling sick. You don’t have the ability to do much when you feel sick and most of the time you could be doing things is spent sleeping.

I’m not sure what my point is. Chronic illness is awful? Temporary illness is awful? Medication withdrawal is awful? Life can sometimes be pretty fucking awful?

Something along those lines.