While in group therapy the therapist calls me out on not needing to be there. Which, I tell him my therapist suggested I come here. He then responds, “Do you always do what people tell you to?” Which he said with so much confidence I don’t think he even realized he was actually suggesting I should be non-compliant with my doctor.
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I am filled with the finest dread for tomorrow. Today I woke up with a migraine. On top of still being stuck in fight or flight, I also feel shaky and headachy. I can barely stomach the idea of trying to sleep tonight because even without all of this looming in front of me, I am finding it difficult to fall asleep, stay asleep, and not wake up before 4am.
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I actually feel really good about this. Not entirely sure why. Maybe I don’t have anything left to feel right now. Who knows? I am excited to see where this goes and quite frankly, if it all goes terribly wrong, how will I even know?
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During the course of my research, I found that tapering off this medication is incredibly delicate because these type of pills rewire the way your brain works. If you remove the medication too quickly your brain gets upset. Really upset.
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I cannot even begin to explain my utter frustration when you are having a panic attack, gasping, clawing at your throat, and someone or some search engine just tells you to breathe deeply. The idea of dealing with what feels like the most enormous problem possibly ever with a few deep breaths is absolutely infuriating.
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I ate a deviled egg today and apparently the coldness and density of the deviled egg was too much for my body because I immediately started sweating and getting stomach cramps due to a vagal surge. Now, it’s Sunday night and I am filled to the brim with absolute dread knowing I have to go to work tomorrow and I have no idea what person I will wake up as.
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I have actually experienced medication withdrawal before. One time I had to go cold turkey off two psych meds because of an insurance snafu they refused to resolve for months. Even so, I have never experienced withdrawal symptoms like this.
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The first week to two weeks seemed to be going okay. I felt a little strange and had some minor symptoms of withdrawal, but was overall okay. Then week three hit and I realized, after my sinus surgery cured my 20-something year stint in fight or flight (FOF) mode, I was right back in it because of the withdrawal.
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This year, so far, has been so overwhelming. I often feel like life is entirely too much. I never seem to reach a point where things are peaceful and not much is going on. This year, however, has been about ten times more blindingly fast and ridiculously chock full of nonsense.
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But after I told my allergist that I am literally not having any allergy reactions, he starts explaining to me how I just as allergic and in need of treatment as I was before surgery. I then realized something: this man has a massive financial incentive to keep me coming back to his practice every week for years to come.
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