Risperidone withdrawal comes in windows and waves. You have windows of health were you feel like your death is definitely not imminent. Then you have waves of discomfort and pain where you are assured your death is definitely imminent (even though it never actually happens).

For me this is translating into wanting to constantly sleep because I’m exhausted from the fight or flight (FOF) symptoms, then waking up feeling like I have been thrust into a final boss fight with a few coins in my pocket and an injured leg. I am still barely eating because I have been nauseous literally all day and have lost about 8.5 lbs in the last two weeks.

I ate a deviled egg today and apparently the coldness and density of the deviled egg was too much for my body because I immediately started sweating and getting stomach cramps due to a vagal surge. Now, it’s Sunday night and I am filled to the brim with absolute dread knowing I have to go to work tomorrow and I have no idea what person I will wake up as.

I would like to get off the cassoursel now, please. I don’t want my money back, I just want to get back on solid ground.

I got so spoiled for the two-three weeks I actually wasn’t having fight or flight symptoms or vagus nerve issues. Quite happy to think this was the rest of my life now, I was not at all prepared for this stupid medication withdrawal to launch me back into this feeling of constant panic all over again.

One thing I do very intimately understand right now is exactly how I managed to get so many mental health diagnoses without actually having them. Being in FOF makes me feel like a goddamn lunatic.

I spend so much time and energy trying to pretend I am being a normal person because I feel anything but. I feel my heart pounding through chest all the time, so much so it often keep me awake. I’m slower to process information, slower to respond, and sometimes unable to do either.

I want to cry all the time. Most of the time, I don’t even know why. The rest of the time, I think it’s just out of exhaustion. I picture myself screaming like it’s some kind of hobby. The diagnoses might have been incorrect. But they clearly indicated there was something wrong with me.

I reached week 3 of the withdrawal timeline yesterday. According to my sources, withdrawal usually lasts 4-6 weeks. Unfortunately, I am not so optimistic at this point that I have just a few more days of this nonsense left.

After at least 20 years of being in FOF, I am ready to close the door on this long chapter. But once again, with chronic illness, I need to realize, I am the hostage. Not the negotiator.

By the way, 11 days until my psych test results.