Did you have to read this book in high school? I am the Cheese? The main character believes they are the cheese. Because the cheese stands alone. For some reason, my adolescent mind thought that was sheer brilliance and now I have nothing but fond memories of that book.
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While in group therapy the therapist calls me out on not needing to be there. Which, I tell him my therapist suggested I come here. He then responds, “Do you always do what people tell you to?” Which he said with so much confidence I don’t think he even realized he was actually suggesting I should be non-compliant with my doctor.
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When I think about it, I never thought the year I turned 40 would be the year I became who I actually am without physical illness and without diagnoses of mental illness that no longer fit. This leaves me only one question now: What am I going to do for 41?
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I am filled with the finest dread for tomorrow. Today I woke up with a migraine. On top of still being stuck in fight or flight, I also feel shaky and headachy. I can barely stomach the idea of trying to sleep tonight because even without all of this looming in front of me, I am finding it difficult to fall asleep, stay asleep, and not wake up before 4am.
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I actually feel really good about this. Not entirely sure why. Maybe I don’t have anything left to feel right now. Who knows? I am excited to see where this goes and quite frankly, if it all goes terribly wrong, how will I even know?
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But then my husband wanted to play Magic: The Gathering, and then I realized: this was the way I was going to exercise my lagging brain. If you are unfamiliar with Magic; it’s a complex game. To put it nicely.
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I feel as though I was thinking about the test results conceptually. Now I am right back in survival mode. What do I care if someone labels me one thing or another?
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During the course of my research, I found that tapering off this medication is incredibly delicate because these type of pills rewire the way your brain works. If you remove the medication too quickly your brain gets upset. Really upset.
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I cannot even begin to explain my utter frustration when you are having a panic attack, gasping, clawing at your throat, and someone or some search engine just tells you to breathe deeply. The idea of dealing with what feels like the most enormous problem possibly ever with a few deep breaths is absolutely infuriating.
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Sometimes I go into my Google Docs and I’m like, oh yeah, I wrote all this stuff. Here is a random smattering of poems circa 2017-8.
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