I have been in the mental health system long enough to know that is it incredibly broken. But apparently I believe the world is a still a wonderful place, my psych test results said I was naive. Which they claim isn’t normal for average people, let alone a trauma survivor. Which, my only response, is a pair of middle fingers.

Anyway.

The last month has been a serious of medical miscommunications so awful it is no wonder I walked around with an incorrect diagnosis for 19 years. My psychiatrist tapers me off a medication too quickly and I go into a full blown medical crisis due to withdrawal. My therapist tells me to go to IOP to help deal with the crisis, but the problem is entirely physical, not actually related to my mental health. I end up in PHP and it is immediately apparent I do not belong there.

While in group therapy the therapist calls me out on not needing to be there. Which, I tell him my therapist suggested I come here. He then responds, “Do you always do what people tell you to?” Which he said with so much confidence I don’t think he even realized he was actually suggesting I should be non-compliant with my doctor.

It was at that time I realized not only was I in the wrong place, but I was in the wrong mindset. You cannot give yourself over to the mental health system and think it will make you better. It doesn’t work like that. And I already knew that.

I was 17 the first time I tried to take my own life. I was given the option to go inpatient at a psychiatric ward. I took it, because this, I told myself, was going to help me. I would figure everything out there.

The realization that this wasn’t even close to true was sobering.

There are times when I think I just got so lucky to have cleared my many diagnoses and have come out of the other end of an abusive childhood with a clean slate. But then I remember that the only way I got there was through advocating for myself, not listening to doctors who didn’t listen to me, doing my own research, chasing down my own illnesses, and eventually, learning how to put the pieces together for myself.

Which, quite frankly, sucks. Because I was a sick person. I have been both physically and mentally ill for most of my life. The only reason I am no longer either is because I pushed so hard to get here. While it’s not logical to expect other people to care about your health more than you do, it is an entirely different experience when professionals who are supposed to be working for you are either ignoring you or berating you for trying to use their services.

I also have been in this system long enough to know how to handle myself. Now that I am back on the medication I was suffering withdrawal from, I am out of immediate crisis and I will be discharging myself from the PHP program on Monday. Instead, I will go to a new psychiatrist who can make sure I am able to get completely stabilized and then correctly wean me off the medication for good.

I might not have a PhD, in anything, but I’m also not dumb and I haven’t gotten this far by chance. I will get off this medication for good, I will lead a vibrant life free of mental illness, and I will figure it out myself if I have to.