I have seen a lot of therapists. Partly due to my extensive trauma history. But mostly due to the fact that I frequently moved. Back in the day when we saw our medical providers in person, I had to change therapists when they were too far away to comfortably drive to. Because I saw so many providers, I absolutely learned what works for me, what doesn’t, and how to tell the difference.

As always, I will share all my thoughts.

The Bad and the Ugly

When I was 17, I started dating my first boyfriend. He had just turned 36. No one in my life even raised an eyebrow at this and adults I trusted encouraged me to date him because he was such a nice guy. When I told my therapist, who I was seeing for my first episode of major depression and a suicide attempt, I was worried she would be against it.

But yeah… She told me I was so mature for me age! So this wasn’t even surprising. This was 2003, but… wow.

The Vegetable Man

I started seeing this therapist around 2017-8 and I didn’t see him for long. Almost immediately he started steering conversations towards my weight and eating habits. I was over 300 lbs at the time, I didn’t want to be, and body image was one of the issues I was in therapy for. At first, it seemed like a legitimate topic for us to cover. Even though it always seemed that he was telling me to eat more vegetables when I was trying to talk about other things.

But then I went to visit my mom’s side of the family, the last time I ever did, and was kicked out of Thanksgiving because I told my aunt that most Spanish speakers are bilingual when she complained about the utter offense of having a Thanksgiving postcard sent to her by her church that was English on one side and Spanish on the other. I came into that therapy session charged up and ready to unpack my what had happened.

The psychologist brushed it off and kept returning to the topic of vegetables and how I needed to eat more of them. I couldn’t believe it. I had literally decided to cut a whole slew of family out of my life and all he could focus on was broccoli. I left the therapy session without incident. The next day I called and canceled my recurring appointment.

Don’t Just Listen

I saw one therapist for about three months who would listen to whatever came out of my mouth and then just said, “And what else?” To literally everything I said. When I was having massive issues with my then-roommate, he would wrinkle his nose and share that he had a roommate once and didn’t like it. Then ask me the same infernal question again.

Trust me, I can take up air time with the best of them. But I was better off telling one of my stuffed animals all of my thoughts and feelings if the reaction was going to be the same. Better even, because I wouldn’t have to pay copays or drive to an office.

Speaking of people who listened, I saw one therapist for about eight years before I realized that I wasn’t really benefiting from therapy. He was the first therapist I saw long term and, at the time, I didn’t realize that you were even allowed to recognize this isn’t working and you needed something different.

He was also the person who misdiagnosed me with bipolar disorder. So there was that. I do regret the time I wasted in sessions with him. But as a traumatized young person, I had no idea what I was doing. I’m just glad I realized it eventually.

Your Therapist is Not Your Bestie

One therapist I saw virtually for about a year seemed like a great person. But she often didn’t seem interested in actually helping me learn coping skills and sort out what was happening in my life. When I brought up an issue I was having or an incident I was struggling with, it started to seem like she would provide me with a platitude and then go back to whatever she had asked me before, which probably wasn’t dealing with mental health.

I found this disappointing, because I did really like her as a person. But I needed a therapist. And I wasn’t paying her to be my friend.

On the other hand, I once went to a few sessions with a therapist who wanted to focus on my trauma history before I had really even gotten to know her. Each session was the heaviest, most soul-destroying recall of my darkest moments and I always left feeling utterly destroyed. I was so relieved when she ended up moving and switched me to a different therapist.

This is when I realized what I was lacking in therapy: coping skills. I had already seen so many providers who would listen, and that’s great, don’t get me wrong, but I need more than someone to listen. I need someone who can help me figure out how to avoid situations that upset me enough for me to bring it up in therapy, and how to deal with the unavoidable situations.

Sharing with the Group

I was lucky enough to be included in Bloom for Women before we moved to Texas. I had never really done group therapy before and I was unsure how it would shape up. It turned out to be a wonderful experience and the lead therapist’s kindness, vulnerability, and willingness to live an amazing life was truly inspiring and encouraging.

While I worried I wouldn’t have much in common with the other women or someone would have to tell me to stop talking so much, these fears turned out to be completely unfounded. It was a great experience and I learned so much about myself and how sometimes the same issues I was having can turn up in different ways for other people.

Ricci: Doing All the Hard Work

My current therapist is absolutely amazing. Not only because she isn’t afraid to call me out on my bullshit, but she helps me reframe unhelpful thoughts, come up with ways to deal with difficult people, and she is the only therapist I have had that makes me feel truly validated. Which is notable, because my traditionally trauma dealt with a great deal of invalidation.

Things have definitely gotten easier as I have dealt with a lot of larger issues that plagued me as a young person. I have made a lot of changes to accomodate my new life as a healthy adult. But all of this has happened and progressed because instead of me saying, “I have this problem and I don’t know how to deal with it,” and then the therapist nods, Ricci can help me explore it, discuss coping strategies, and come up with a game plan or a resolution.

Now when things happen, I am much better at realizing what is happening and dealing with it appropriately. I have an entire tool belt of coping skills I can use, as well. I still see my therapist regularly, so whenever something happens that confuses and amazes me I can share it with her and get another take on what I experienced.

Therapy is Great! But it has to Work…

When it really comes down to it, I got way better at realizing when someone’s style of therapy wasn’t working for me. Even when it wasn’t so blatant as someone telling me to eat vegetables in the face of family estrangement. If you are in therapy and you feel like you walk out with every single problem you walked in with, it might be time to find another provider.

When you find someone who clicks with you and you are able to tackle issues and plow through roadblocks that always kept you stymied, keep them! The world is a scary place and no one should have to face it alone.