Risperidone withdrawal readjustment is awful. I have been back on it for several weeks now, who knows exactly how long? Time is construct. Possibly 2-3 weeks. Possibly more. Anyway, I am still not feeling back to any kind of normal. The fight or flight is gone, thankfully, but no longer feeling like I have to defend myself from imminent attack is hardly a bar I want to set.

Instead, there’s brain fog, fatigue, body aches, and I had that stomach flu a couple of days ago. Which is unrelated, but very ill timed. I constantly feel like everything is just two inches to the left. My new psychiatrist gave me until September 1 to stabilize on the Risperidone before we start a 4-month long taper so I can ultimately stop taking it.

That’s a four-month taper, by the way. Not five days, like the last one.

All around me, life is moving on at breakneck speed. But here I am, unable to do much of anything, feeling like I could go for a nap, but never able to sleep and feel restored. I keep Googling my symptoms and when I might be feeling better. But the dates always stretch long into a future I can’t picture when I am only trying to get through today.

Also, Google is terrible now. I know they’re trying to make everyone use AI instead, but wow, they didn’t have to do this good of a job.

This is usually the part where I buckle down and start acting like everything is fine and make a croquembouche or something. But I have tried to do this about 5 times in the last month to various levels of failure. At this point it seems silly to even talk myself into trying. Besides, once I actually make a croquembouche some day, what will I have left to do with my life?

I have often complained about feeling as though I am constantly waiting, but never arrive.

Even if something is resolved, there is something else unresolved to take its place almost immediately. Occasionally, there are multiple unresolved issues and the waiting only compounds.

I feel like this is linked with my desire to be a boring person who, when someone asks what is going on, has nothing of note to report instead of my usual deep sigh and a one-sentence summation that actually says nothing. It is my sincere hope that one day I can look back on these times and I think, “Wow, I miss the excitement and anticipation of it all!”

That is a day I definitely cannot wait for.