Dickens was on to something. I have never actually read him, but wow, have I lived this opening line from A Tale of Two Cities.

In the midst of feeling like I am barely human, barely functioning, barely able to pretend anymore, an amazing opportunity comes along. Not sure if it will pan out. Not sure if I will be back on here complaining about missed chances in a few days. But having some hope for breakfast is the most filling meal.

I’ve been thinking a lot about hope these last few weeks. There have been so many points in my life where I feel like, if I just gave up hope and never got it back, it would have been understandable. But even when I was at my lowest (like Talia’s Twilight Sleep era, for example), it didn’t stick. I’m not sure if it’s survival or stubbornness or just not knowing any better.

I might be down sometimes, but I’m never out.

Of course, the future is unknowable and the opportunity in front of me might not pan out. But in a way, it doesn’t matter. The fact that I even got the opportunity means this was no accident and it could very well happen again. Maybe even soon. It’s a big wide world out there.

Unfortunately, I will need to continue recovering. Which needs to happen regardless of whether or not I get this chance. After being tapered off a medication too quickly and then having to go back on it, I’m still not leveled out. Which I find deeply frustrating. After a month of withdrawal, and then two weeks of readjustment, I feel like there has been no progress.

But I also have no chill. So this is something to keep in mind. The good news is that I have found a new psychiatrist who can monitor my readjustment and then finally, slowly taper me off the medication when the time is right. I meet them in a few days.

Life continues and there is always tomorrow.