“Every woman alive is the sum of all she ever did and felt and was.” -Sister Julienne (Call the Midwife)

I used to be an insecure person. In fact, insecurity ruled my entire life. My personality was fear. I had no boundaries, because I couldn’t stand the thought of saying no to someone. Anyone.

My brain worked out that once you do that, this person will definitely hate you and I could only survive if someone else thought I was worthwhile. For fun, I used to randomly recount all the milestones and success markers I never hit and sigh deeply, because I definitely wasn’t on track to make up time.

There was no pivotal moment when I shed this insecurity like a second skin and stepped away from like a sci-fi heroine. I dedicated myself to learning why this self-hatred was so omnipresent. I then started unlearning each and every lie my brain had told me about myself. It wasn’t fast. I think getting older helped as well. But little by little the weight of my insecurities started to slowly fall away.

I attribute it to the following:

• Learning about critical thinking, logic, and argumentation theory
• Working through past trauma in talking therapy
• Learning what I wanted as a person, not what my anxiety wanted
• Surrounding myself with people who valued me
• Attending even more talking therapy
• Learning how to articulate what I was feeling and make changes
• Trusting myself and listening to what I’m feeling
• Consistently taking mental health medication
• Still more talking therapy!

But now that I have done so much healing and so much work (even though I still have more to do), one thing that sometimes causes me to react completely irrationally is when I am confronted with me, or who I used to be, in another person.

It hurts to see someone you care about struggling. Even worse because I know exactly what it’s like to struggle with insecurity. The cherry is definitely knowing that there’s nothing you can do to help beyond being supportive and making light suggestions. None of which are ever heeded, because when you’re insecure the hardest thing in the world is doing something to change your circumstances.

Which I also understand. Because you just feel like you deserve it. This. Everything that has happened to you. Even if that’s not true. Especially if that’s not true.

This is when I realized my frustration and exasperation at seeing this quality in someone else was only making things worse. I always want to fix things. Typos, asymmetrical place settings, anything that has bothered anyone ever.

But it’s not my place to fix anything when it comes to other people. I am no one’s mother, therapist, or secretary. The only I can do is be supportive. It sometimes doesn’t feel like enough. But it’s all I’ve got.

It’s also very true that people who live with deep insecurities aren’t acting on them just to annoy people. They are often suffering as well. Locked in their heads, listening to the critical voice that has nothing to say other than how unworthy they are. I can be a voice of comfort, a voice that contradicts common assumptions. Maybe it might help. Maybe it won’t.

The result isn’t in my hands.