When I was in high school I was absolutely obsessed with autobiographies. Naturally, I thought one day I might write my own autobiography. Of course then, I thought I would never have anything interesting to say. Oh, high school Star, you sweet summer child.
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My belief in human goodness was so high the test called me naive. Which I’m fine with. That’s the worst thing you can say about me? I’ll take it. Also, for trauma survivors, it’s common to show higher rates of distrust of other people. My distrust was low. I’m not sure how I managed that. But yeah, that’s correct.
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When I think about it, I never thought the year I turned 40 would be the year I became who I actually am without physical illness and without diagnoses of mental illness that no longer fit. This leaves me only one question now: What am I going to do for 41?
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Come to find out, when you have chronic sinus inflammation and the cornucopia of problems I had with sinuses, it can change how you experience spices. Namely, spice hurts. Every Scoville level higher is torture and there is no flavor when there’s heat. There is only heat.
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I have always had tiny traces of cognitive issues. I would forget things that had just happened. I wouldn’t be able to piece together my day and wind up being unprepared for what’s ahead. I couldn’t figure out how to navigate cities for the life of me. Even one I was familiar with.
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I knew I did not miss my own mother. Cutting off contact removed my vain hope she would one day become someone she was not and actually be a good mother.
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A friend recently told me something. Something that didn’t make sense. When I heard it, I first thought it was her covering for her emotional abusive and neglectful partner whom she is unfortunately still entangled with. I asked her about it later, lightly pointing out that what she said didn’t make sense. She responded an hour later with another explanation that made even less sense.
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I used to be an insecure person. In fact, insecurity ruled my entire life. My personality was fear. I had no boundaries, because I couldn’t stand the thought of saying no to someone. Anyone.
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It was only in my late 30s that I was finally able to say that I really loved myself and understood myself and was willing to work with the self I have to become the best version of me I could evolve into. But now that I’m here, I’m really done talking about diets.
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I have had experiences the average person wouldn’t and missed out on experience the average person would have had. It was easy just to think when things went wrong I somehow deserved it because I’m not an average person who has normal experiences.
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