There is nothing the brides-to-be love more on wedding groups than discussing whether or not you should change your last name after marriage. The threads dedicated to this issue are myriad. Dozens of people post their thoughts and the discussions usually remain civil.
However, as someone who changed their first and middle name back in 2014, I feel like a lot of people don’t understand the process of doing so or the implications changing your name has on the rest of your life.
Actually Changing Your Name
It’s a total hassel. Let’s not even kid ourselves. It took me several months to have most of my accounts and documents switched over. And when I did the name change, I didn’t own property or have much in my name at all. For younger people who are just starting out, changing their names would be infinitely easier than if they are an established adult with their name on a whole bunch of things.
As for the process, it goes a little something like this: You have to go in person to the Social Security office to change your name on your social security card. You then take that to your in person DMV appointment to change your driver’s license. From there you have to change your name at work, on your bank accounts, the titles to your home, car, etc., you have to update your name on every account you own from your utility bills to the public library.
It is a long, drawn out process and you always forget something. Usually many things. Also, the willingness of people to help you change your name is never consistent. Sometimes it’s a single conversation and you’re done in a few minutes, other times it’s a long drawn out process and you’re filling out form after form.
I will admit, that changing my first and middle name often seemed to confuse people. When I said I changed my name, they always assumed I changed my last name. So then I had to explain the situation. Sometimes more than once.
From That Moment On
On official documents you are often required to show your name change. I have my name change court order in my Google Drive and I have had to email it to people multiple times. We just signed up for Global Entry to have an easier time getting through airport security and I needed to put my birth name. When I applied for Canadian citizenship, not only did I have to give them my birth name and a copy of the court order, but they email my birth name every time they communicate with me. It appears in places you wouldn’t have thought!
I heard about one woman trying to get her Real ID driver’s license who got married, changed her last name, got divorced, changed back to her maiden name, got married again, then changed to her new married name. When she went to get her Real ID she needed the following documents:
- Proof of first marriage/first name change
- Divorce degree
- Proof of reversion to maiden name
- Proof of second marriage/second name change
Keep in mind, this is just for her name. She still needs all the other documents required for the Real ID. Thousands, perhaps. Needless to say, she forgot one of the pieces of this puzzle and had to go back at another time to try for the ID again.
People love to say it will be easier for them and their future kids if they all have the same name. Which, the more your change your name, the most complicated things will get and there are no guarantees that anything will work out the way you expected.
Why Change Your Name?
This is deeply personal question and I will leave it the person considering the name change. There are no wrong answers.
No wait, there’s one: Because your partner decides you have to change your name.
I have been engaged to enough men to know there are a variety of reactions to the prospect of a last name change. My first fiance insisted that I had to change my last name and considered the fact I didn’t really want to change my name as a sign I was not ready to get married. My actual husband didn’t care at all. It all sounded like an intimidating amount of paperwork to him.
So let’s recap. Good reasons to change your name:
- You want to
- You don’t like your maiden name
- You really like your spouse’s name
- You’re doing something like creating a new name and both of you will change your last name
- You want to change your name socially, not legally
Bad reasons to change your name:
- Someone, who likely has no concept of the hassle involved in said name change, tells you that you have to because they think they are entitled to your labor and identity
Conclusion
One thing I have learned in my name-obsessed life; the only person who needs to be happy with your name is you. Because it will be your labor, your time, and your frustration that will ultimately go into changing it. No matter what reason you have for changing your name or keeping it the same when you get married, it’s yours.
But please, do not let anyone pressure you into the decision. If someone can’t handle the idea you won’t legally change your name for them, they might not be a good person. Because it’s your name. No one else should feel entitled to it.