Sometimes, especially when I feel good mentally or like I’m making progress, something will happen that brings me back to the same feelings of shame and worthlessness that are so deeply ingrained in my psyche it’s as if the good feelings or growth doesn’t really exist.
When it first started happening, I didn’t even realize what was going on. It was as though I dared to feel good about myself for a second and now I was being reminded who I actually was. It was easy to sit with these feelings and remember trauma and insults as if it’s not only happening right now, but it’s really the natural order of things.
I tried to explain the feeling to my therapist and almost decided against it. As if she should judge me or find me burdensome for some reason? But when I spit out what I was trying to say, I said it feels like a swamp inside of me and I just keep getting pulled back into it.
Only recently I have started to fight this, instead of just accepting it.
It has been one of the most difficult things I have ever done in my entire life. I panic like I am fighting for my life and every battle just leads into a bigger one. It’s like being in an endless loop of Dragon Ball Z without the filler episodes.
I remember reading a review of The Walking Dead years ago and it talked about the show acting as if life is just an endless checklist of problems to be solved with little to no celebration in between. I also remember being taken aback because…
Isn’t life just an endless checklist of problems and zombies?
At this point, I am very grateful for what I have realized so far. Including that life is more than issues and flesh-chewing monsters. I am looking forward to more growth as a person in the coming years. Because while I still struggle, while this swamp still exists. It got a little bit smaller today. Maybe tomorrow it will be smaller still.