Here It Comes Again…

Today I learned that a young person named An is doing god’s work. They have recreated MySpace and have named it SpaceHey. Filling out my profile brought about the feeling of replaying a video game you loved a decade later: Everything’s there, but you’re still looking around for it.

Earlier this morning I emailed my manuscript for my memoir, moon lost her memory, which yes, is all in lowercase, to the proofreader. Writing this book has been a difficult task. It’s one thing for me to experience all of these thoughts, most of them negative, bumping around in my head all day, but it’s another to see them all written out.

The good thing about writing this book was that I seem to have taken some power away from the memories. Purging things I’ve never told anyone else in my life onto a page has alleviated the shame surrounding what happened, and allowed me to feel lighter. As if I have just gotten a lifetime of pain and embarrassment off my chest.

I’ve also had a few panic attacks and dissociative moments, but I’m still chalking this up as a win. Sometimes I would have trouble sleeping because memories kept plaguing me. My brain would offer up a rotating selection of every time I said something stupid, or someone didn’t like me, or when past traumas unfolded. Ever since I hit the midpoint in the book, I have slept without a single issue. I’m not sure how long this will last, but it’s a welcomed change from the usual.

The process of writing a memoir, because they are by definition so deeply personal, is different for everyone, I’m sure. I feel as though putting my life on a page in a way I’ve never done before, and it has been a great experience.

When I finished filling out my profile on SpaceHey I saw I had eight friend requests waiting and hesitated before looking at them. What if they were trolls? What if they left rude comments on my blog? What if they messaged me even more hate? I accepted every single request.

Not because I am now bulletproof.

But because there is more to this world than the trolls, who always seem to appear. For entirely too long I let the people who couldn’t stand me give me life advice and that’s over now. Right now, I feel like I’m a new person and nothing is going to keep me from enjoying the nostalgia of SpaceHey or getting to sleep at night.