Into the Kwangya

Note: Kwangya means “wilderness” in Korean. Also part of the SM multiverse. See: Aespa for an example.

Update to the previous post

So, the big, burning question: Did I stop writing?


A few weeks ago, I sat down and spilled a bunch of conflicted feelings into a Google Doc that is only known with the working title of Up In the Air. I have about half of a chapbook now and some more material to finish it will be coming up.

Did I take this as an absolute personal triumph? Yes, I did. I was thrilled I was able to not only write again, but to get all of my icky feelings out onto a page instead of carrying them around. I think in some ways, writing will always be therapeutic. However, it doesn’t have to take such a key role in my life.

The last few years have been fraught with the realization that as much as I want to be a writer, I don’t really feel like one. Not only that, but if I’m not a writer, something I have considered myself since I was 12, then what the hell am I?

So yeah, what the hell am I?

Realizing that my identity as a writer was slipping, I was faced with the reality I didn’t know who I was or what I was without it. I spent a lot of time asking myself what it was that I truly valued and wanted for my life.

What truly resonated with me was shocking

I want to be someone who cultivates a beautiful home and a beautiful life. Basically, I want to be a homemaker.

Yes, I realize I work full-time and the traditional concept of homemaking contains children to care for, but not fitting a mold has never stopped me before

For me, homemaking means creating a space in the chaos of the world where I feel safe, comfortable, and I can care for my family in the best possible way. It’s not centered on achievement or relentless productivity. It embraces community (inside the home and out), peacefulness, and acceptance of who I am, not constantly moving the goal posts on what I think I should have achieved by now.

I have tried to fill the holes in my life with so many different things. But nothing has satisfied me or brought me more joy than nurturing and caring for my family. For the next chapter of my life, I want to focus on this.

Making a house a home

It helps that a lot of my interests are home-based to begin with. Homemaking, in my view, consists of a ton more than dusting. Such as:

  • Interior decorating
  • Entertaining
  • Cooking
  • Baking
  • Party planning
  • Organizing and managing a household

All of these are things that I’m into.

When it all comes down

For a while now, I’ve avoided throwing myself into projects or tasks. The fear of dedicating myself to something only to have the payoff be strangely absent has haunted me for years. But in this instance, investing in my family is the most wonderful way to spend my time and the best reward I can think of.

This lovely life I’m planning has a clean house in it, it has homecooked meals. It has fun, laughter, adventure, and strengthens the bond between my husband and myself. When I’m in, I’m all in. I couldn’t think of a better way to spend my time than creating this life for myself and my family.

Channel Drift

So will this blog became a homemaking endeavor strangely void of children with Bible verses at the top and bottom of every post? Of course not. I might be venturing into homemaking, but I’m still the person I am.

The most important part of this new chapter is that I have chosen this. I have lots of options in front of me and I have tried many paths to find happiness. The one I have found the most success with has been my family and nurturing myself to health and fulfillment.

I am as much and as little as I am myself

So will this blog change? Most likely. But that was always the point. I’m not sure if I will start posting more regularly or stop all together, but whatever I choose to do, it will be what is right for me.

Besides, my readership is barely existent, so it’s not like anyone will even notice. And if they decide they don’t want to read about homemaking or whatever else comes out of my brain, good news! There are lots of other blogs on the internet.