As I was writing the previous blog, I had a very visceral memory of trying on wedding dresses for the first time and feeling so utterly uncomfortable in my body that I disassociated to the point where I had an out of body experience. There were dozens of photos taken at this event and when I tried to locate them today I realized I must have deleted them from my photos and taken down all of the Facebook pics. Because they were nowhere to be found.

Which, disappearing in this digital age is quite a feat.

I went to the bridal shop in 2019 with my mother and my friend, Lauren, who was the real MVP that day. My mother, who didn’t want to come in the first place, sat there silently watching me try on dresses, not having any reaction to what I was doing. I started panicking when I saw myself in the dresses. I felt ugly, unworthy, like I had slimed my way into a wedding dress I didn’t deserve, and when I looked at her for some sign of human emotion, there was nothing but her sour face glancing at the door.

Lauren, meanwhile, was a total champ. Her excitement and positivity was the only thing that kept me from absolutely breaking down in that store while wearing a super expensive dress. I will always remember her support at that bridal shop when I couldn’t even articulate was the hell was wrong with me.

I reflected on what happened back there and, wow, it was a lot. It was an intersection of issues in my life that I didn’t even realize would cause that extremely negative reaction I had. I remember when I found the only dress I didn’t hate at that shop and it naturally ended up being the most expensive one I tried on. The shop offered me $200 off and said I could take the weekend to think about it.

But I had already forgotten about the dress. Even though I liked it best out of everything I tried on, the idea of taking it home made my skin crawl so much I’m sure if they would have gifted it to me right then and there, I would have just walked out and never looked back.

The prospect of finding a dress for my vow renewal is an interesting prospect. I can’t say that I’m radically looking forward to dress shopping. Honestly, putting on massive dresses and taking them off is a total hassle, in and of itself. But there is a huge difference now in that I love my body now, I am happy with my appearance, and also, my mother won’t be there because now I’m no contact with my parents (Growth!).

Moreover, I’ve given up on the idea of a white dress. I’m too pale and honestly, I just need color. Not sure what I will ultimately pick. But it will definitely be an adventure.